She sits there on the chair, watching the clock,counting seconds ,questioning her own existence,questioning the meaning of life.Gazing at eternity. She felt like suffocating ,like she must get out of that place,like she has to stop those voices .Started walking,it felt better,but still cold.Memories overtaking her,trying to face them,but thoughts are so hard to conceive.Everything changes,just like clouds in the sky. She thought that she might need a hug,that type of hug that makes you feel protected ,accepted and loved.Or does it exist ,would anyone give it to her?But there wasn't anyone around..In the distance you could see the blue sky.She thought that she could get out of the dark if she walks that way.She panicked and started running.Faster and faster.But her legs couldn't help her anymore and she felt down.There wasn't anyone to help her get up from the ground .She felt the wind embracing her,and the sky crying his heart out.They are both cold,just like her ,like her soul .
for this entry I prefered using "she" better than "I".I just felt like it's better that way.Hmm,am I contemplating phrases ?I'm lost into my own words..
Raining...it distorts the reality All the memories seem to be erased now,just like the fume taken on the wind's wings. Everything and everyone seem to be empty of feelings,and all the beautiful dreams have crashed..
This morning I've decided to eat,just some pretzels(about 80-100g ).But I started feeling nausea and I vomited .Just fuck.I feel so weak and tired of all this.I'm also so frustrated ,nothing fits me.Again I've lost weight and not long ago I've changed my wardrobe because everything was falling off of me(especially the trousers or jeans ).Anyway I've always wore large clothes.The reason is of course ,my body. I weighed myself again(I'm obsessed with the scale ):47 kilos dressed (and 1,70 m height )I should be content ,but I'm not.I'm never content.Because I cannot see myself slim enough. I curse the food every day.Fuckin' food. Oh,my mind is just so sick. How did I fall so deep into this ?I just haven't realized it,how did I end up being like this ?Is it my fault ?I haven't chosen this road.It wasn't me.I had to change,so much that I've even changed.I've never wanted that.It wasn't my wish.I wasn't listened...
I like this song a lot.It has very meaningful lyrics.And for some of us speaks about the truth.
I'm a fuckin' anorexic.That's for sure.I guess it's one of the few things I can say definitely.I'm wondering ,when will I look in the mirror and be glad of my reflection?My body makes me sick.All I feel is nausea.I hate it so much.I'm so sick of all these,feeling ugly and fat.I can't understand how the others day that I'm too slim.I guess they are right,but my mind is poisoned and sick.I wish I could think like them,and accept the way I look.It makes me feel so miserable for hating myself,for throwing food,for hiding behind this mask.I feel so cold.And I feel like I'm getting so tired,so old..,thought the age doesn't prove it. They just don't know my daily struggle with my own and sick mind.They don't try to understand the situation,to look further and see that there is more than just a simple eating disorder,it's a mental problem.All they do is scream and threaten me until I eat.No problem.Mia is by my side,always there to rescue me from their fuckin' trap.
Again,talking non sense..Hmm,it's just what I think about right now. Well,today it's another day,feeling weak and empty. All this feel so untrue ,so fake.. Everyone lies.Sometimes I wonder if there's something worth ? Sometimes ,when I'm lying down on the floor,I want to remain there,not to get up,because there won't be anyone who would lend me a hand,give me a hug,say that "It's fine,I'll be by your side" or " I understand you".. So,it's better there,on the cold floor ,in silence.. But I have to get up sooner or later,because there are things I shouldn't forget,my dreams. All I hope is that I'll still have strength to carry on ,because everyday I feel weaker and weaker.With each step made I feel like I'm using the last ounce of energy.Damn it..
Last night I remembered the fights I had with my father,his violence and hits. I didn't deserve being treated like that.So many times,it wasn't my fault.His ugly words echoes in my ears.I can't stop the tears that are now flowing down. I'm sitting on my bed,in the dark,listening to music.I feel better when no one sees me,no one touches me.People's look makes me feel guilty.What am I guilty for?..I'm living.Trying,falling,breaking,learning to live,to breathe,though I feel like I haven't made any step,I feel dead. I wish I could get out of myself and float on the water,feel the wind's touch. My thoughts were driving me away ,but suddenly I hear the music again.I guess I was so concentrate that I didn't hear anything. "I wanna be touched I wanna be kissed".These are the lyrics of U&Me Blue's song called "Bird",my favorite song.The melody makes me want to fly.I feel like I'm in a "glass cage" as the lyrics say " I live in a glass cage You can only step,but cannot touch me I'm a bird.".... I could have written these things last night,with a better expression,but I prefered the dark and the silence that was dominating the room. Well today,nothing new.Loneliness.I feel empty inside,and I would like dreaming at a prosperous future,but I can't imagine anything.It's like wanting to catch the time that comes,and which is maybe the time that's left for me...How much time do I have to find happiness,friendship and love?... I remember a quote from one of Paulo Coelho's books who says that maybe we are moving on because we don't understand the mystery buried by the next second... Wondering..
It's a song I've been listening to these days.I always like the band. The song calms me down.I hope you'll like it too.
I want to make the mirror happy.Every time I look in it,I want to break it.All I want is to feel beautiful,that's all. At the moment,I feel so weak,empty, alone..I never draw anyone's attention ,no one cares. Someone told me that no one will ever understand my.Is it true ? I mean,I'll never meet someone who would understand me?I didn't sleep neither last night,thinking about it.I feel useless,I don't see my importance in someone's life. Maybe because I really don't have a role ,a sense or a connection. Will anyone love me just the way I am,imperfect, incomplete and with so many weaknesses ? I feel miserable,and I'm scared..I hope to find faith in myself .Where are the smiles that bring joy,where is the sun ,the light ?They are all gone. Can I make them come back ?I feel hopeless,and I can't make it by my own..
I've just woke up.I couldn't sleep last night,as usual..It something normal for me,having insomnia and those nightmares.I went outside to take a fresh breath ,and clean up my thoughts.There are so many things that run trough my mind. I guess today will be a day like any other.The same fight with food.In fact with myself.But I can't give up.Today's hell can be tomorrow's satisfaction.I'm anorexic for a about 2 years,I'm not sure.I just don't know how I started walking on this damn road.It destroys me more and more as the days go by.But I'm alone with this,and no one seems to understand the pain you're going through everyday.They think that it's just a simple eating disorder ,but it's more than that .It affects your mind and heart,your way of thinking,acting....everything.I know that there are more persons in this situation,fighting with anorexia...and I guess they are they only ones who can really understand what it feels like.Yes,all I want is a perfect and slim body.And I can't stop till I get what I want.I want to bring beauty from pain.. When I tried to tell my mother about an year ago,she told me "You're stupid"(yes,those were her words..),and those words untied my string,and it let me fall ,and I couldn't get up anymore.I am weak,and I fell like I can't make it.Food rules my life,and it makes me feel disgusted .Even when I hear the word,when they call me to eat...But learned the right words to say , "I ate before ", " I'm not hungry","I don't feel good".Sometimes it happens that my mother screams and I have to eat.Although it happens rarely ,I vomit the food.I hate doing it.I prefer feeling my stomach empty,completely empty,and that gives me satisfaction ..I know I have a sick mind,but it's the only thing that makes me satisfied.. I feel so miserable..
I don't support anorexia,I just write about myself.I felt like I need to make this clear. I don't want critics.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Well,I guess this is my first post.First of all I've decided to start this blog just to share my thoughts and feelings.For me it's a way to express what I can't say. Sometimes is very useful writing.I don't want to be criticized or judged .
