I've just woke up.I couldn't sleep last night,as usual..It something normal for me,having insomnia and those nightmares.I went outside to take a fresh breath ,and clean up my thoughts.There are so many things that run trough my mind.
I guess today will be a day like any other.The same fight with food.In fact with myself.But I can't give up.Today's hell can be tomorrow's satisfaction.I'm anorexic for a about 2 years,I'm not sure.I just don't know how I started walking on this damn road.It destroys me more and more as the days go by.But I'm alone with this,and no one seems to understand the pain you're going through everyday.They think that it's just a simple eating disorder ,but it's more than that .It affects your mind and heart,your way of thinking,acting....everything.I know that there are more persons in this situation,fighting with anorexia...and I guess they are they only ones who can really understand what it feels like.Yes,all I want is a perfect and slim body.And I can't stop till I get what I want.I want to bring beauty from pain..
When I tried to tell my mother about an year ago,she told me "You're stupid"(yes,those were her words..),and those words untied my string,and it let me fall ,and I couldn't get up anymore.I am weak,and I fell like I can't make it.Food rules my life,and it makes me feel disgusted .Even when I hear the word,when they call me to eat...But learned the right words to say , "I ate before ", " I'm not hungry","I don't feel good".Sometimes it happens that my mother screams and I have to eat.Although it happens rarely ,I vomit the food.I hate doing it.I prefer feeling my stomach empty,completely empty,and that gives me satisfaction ..I know I have a sick mind,but it's the only thing that makes me satisfied..
I feel so miserable..
I don't support anorexia,I just write about myself.I felt like I need to make this clear.
I don't want critics.
Yo conoci la anorexia cuando tenia 10 años y nisiqiera sabia q era eso..hoy despues de tantos años ahun sta en mi mente si...tambn mi mente enferma...esa mismas q como sinonimo de felicidad entiende un numero menos en la bascula...tambien aquella q se arta de los gritos diciendome que tengo que comer q no sea tonta...Pero q al fin de cuentas no entiende y sigue rigiendose por las leyes que dictan las calorias diarias que no encuentro paz cuando veo el numero subir...asi q no tu no estas sola...Muchas x aqi sabemos lo q es esto..
ReplyDeleteYo intento desaparecer a la anorexia ...pero ahun asi se queda dormida en lo profundo de mi ser y despierta con la desesperacion de sentir esa enferma felicidad que provocan los numeros menos,los huesos y la "Belleza".
un beso
Gracias por tu comentario.
ReplyDeleteLo se,hay otras tambien q estan pasando por esto
y se q es un infierno..
Oh, veo que hablás español también :)
ReplyDeleteVi que seguías mi blog y entré al tuyo Y creeme que te entiendo. No sé bien qué es lo que tengo, anorexia o bulimia, intento no pensar directamente en comida. Aunque admito que me gustaría pesar cada vez menos hasta desaparecer...
En fin, espero que estés bien :) Cualquier cosa que necesites estoy acá para apoyarte <3